My Dr Acula
by Robyn-Enjolras
Summary: Dr Carlisle Cullen joins the staff at Sacred Heart! R&R, please! No flames. I dare say, the title is quite amazing, eh? ScrubsxTwilight. Formerly co-authored by MelodicLilacs CHAPTER 7 UP! Is there something jellicle going on between Rosalie and JD?
1. My Whipped Cream Bear

A/N: I was not sure if I should put this in the Scrubs section or leave it here. Tell me if you I should put it somewhere else. Kthxbai. (Takes place pre-Keith)

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight OR Scrubs! Surprising, ain't it?

* * *

JD's POV

Dr Kelso had paged me, Elliot, Dr Cox, Turk, and Carla, into meeting us at CoffeeBucks to tell us some important news about some new doctor joining our staff. Dr Cox, of course, never really cared about this sort of thing, and this occasion was not different. He brooded in his seat, taking casual sips of a latte while Turk and I tried to start a game of 'Find the Saltine'. Dr Kelso waited patiently for Turk and I to stop playing.

"Okay… I'm going to make this short, but I want to tell you that we are getting a new doctor on the staff today. He was supposed to meet us here, but I guess he was a little late, or he forgot. Anyway, I want you guys to make him as welcome as possible. Please, oh please, don't do anything stupid. He is said to be a very good doctor, and I don't want to lose him!" Kelso glared at his watch and murmured to himself, almost inaudibly, "Where is Carlisle…?"

"Carlisle?! That's such an old people name! Totally about to give up all hope of flirti—" Elliot started, but then her attention turned toward the opening door.

Carla and Elliot's jaws dropped, and I felt my hands grab the edge of the table.

"He's lovely…" Carla mumbled, causing Turk to whisper "Baby!"

Tall, blond, extremely pale, soft golden eyes. Looked to be in his 20s.

Movie star gorgeous.

"Hello, everyone. Sorry, I'm late," the new doctor smiled, showing off his perfect teeth.

And he was British.

"Would you like some caramel macchiato? They're really good here," Dr Kelso began to stand up.

"No, thanks. I just ate," the blond doctor smiled again.

I was beginning to go into a reverie starring caramel macchiatoes as movie stars when I smelled a familiar salty scent. Turk had found the saltine.

"I FOUND THE SALTINE!" Turk announced to everyone, getting up from his chair and beginning to dance.

"JD told me that you guys stopped playing that game a long time ago," Elliot smirked turning toward me for an explanation.

Turk and I glanced at each other nervously while I slipped the cracker in my pocket, "Yeah… well, that's what we wanted you to think so we started playing again 'cause…" I could feel Dr Kelso staring at me, not wanting to make a bad impression on the new doctor.

Kelso cleared his throat, "Ladies and gentlemen… and JD… I'd like to introduce you to the newest member of the Sacred Heart staff. Dr Carlisle Cullen."

Elliot waved flirtatiously and smiled. I wanted to, too.

"Carlisle this Dr Perry Cox, Dr Christopher Turkelton—"

"My last name is Turk—!"

"Dr Elliot Reid, Nurse Carla Espinosa Turkelton—"

"Doc! I'm tellin' you…"

"And Dr John 'JD' Dorian."

Dr Cullen greeted us all politely. I could tell that Dr Cox really hated him. Carla and Elliot were probably going to have a fight over him soon. And I had a really strong feeling that the Todd will also try to wear a banana hammock.

Turk and I will probably hunt for more saltines. It'll all work out good in the end.

After a short routine welcome speech, interrupted by Dr Cox several times with unnecessary remarks, Dr Kelso dismissed us from the meeting.

Dr Cullen gentlemanly brushed off an extremely eager Elliot to come over to talk to Turk and me. We were talking about tonight's rerun of 'Sanford & Son' on Nick at Nite.

"Quiet, Chocolate Bear, we have an intruder in our midst," I tried to sound important.

"Oh, I'm sorry. JD, is it?" smiled Dr Cullen.

"Yes, also known as Vanilla Bear," I returned smartly.

"And you're Christopher? Most people call you 'Chris', though, I'm sure."

"No, they call me Turk," Turk extended his hand to wards Carlisle, "I think I'm going to call you… 'Snow Bear'."

_Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. SNOW BEAR?!?!?! Seriously, Turk…_ I thought.

"Well, can you think of another food, JD? One that's white?"

"How did you—Edward?" Carlisle, stepped back a little.

"Oh, I can just tell what JD's thinking sometimes. 'Cause we're best friends, of course," Turk explained nonchalantly, "Whose Edward?"

"Edward is my…son. He has a…best friend, too," Carlisle said cautiously.

Turk and I looked at each other, silently questioning Carlisle's comment.

"Whipped Cream Bear!" I exclaimed, flailing my arms at my sides.

Carlisle grinned, and from that moment on I accepted him as part of the 'Bear' club.

"Drs. Turkleton and Dorian, I expect that you are helping Dr Cullen familiarizing himself with the hospital and its facilities," snickered Dr Kelso as he walked by us.

"Of course!" I shouted after him.

The three of us walked to the front desk. Laverne handed me a patient file. Turk went off to go hang out with the Todd or go to the OR. Carlisle followed me to the room of my new patient, a boy by the name of Bobby Lee.

"'ey Bobmeister! What's up?" I slid into the room, making a grand entrance.

Carlisle and Bobby looked at me at the same time. Carlisle placed a hand over his mouth in an attempt to suppress a laugh.

"Hi," Bobby squeaked.

"I'm Dr. Dorian, and this is my coworker, Dr. Cullen."

"Hello, Robert," Carlisle nodded.

"Bobby. It's Bobby," Bobby corrected politely.

"So, it seems that you have a sore throat that has taken a turn for the worse, eh?" I smiled at Bobby.

He nodded.

"I was going to take a throat culture, but I'll let my assistant do that," I winked at Dr Cullen, who took the hint.

He reached for one of those poke-y Popsicle sticks of joy, when Bobby started to have a violent cough, causing him to spit up some blood.

Carlisle dropped the stick and backed up toward the door, turned around, and left.

I could have sworn his eyes were black.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, I'm not good at writing first chapters, but I finally finished it. This is supposed to be a humor fic, and I promise it will get funnier. The end of this chapter was not how I expected it to be, but, with my copies of _The Taming of the Shrew_,_ Romeo & Juliet_,_ As You Like It_, and_ A Midsummer Night's Dream_ on my desk as my witnesses, this shall be an amazing humor fic! 


	2. My Funky Ketchup

A/N: I've never had that many reviews come at once! A huge thank you to those who reviewed, you have no idea how happy that makes me :) I really should be doing homework right now, but chromosomes are stupid and so are numbers and I just watched 2 episodes of Scrubs and I am sooo prepared to write this chapter:

Things that are stupid: Tan tap shoes.

Things that I owned: Black tap shoes.

Things that I had to return: Black tap shoes.

Things that had to be shipped from GALVESTON, TEXAS (!) to my local dance store: Tan tap shoes.

Things that I now own: Tan tap shoes.

Things I can't do: Dance

Play that I'm in: 42nd Street

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is not mine.

PS: I lied, this is in JD's POV and it probably will be for the rest of the story unless I say otherwise. (And look at what girl's name Dr Cox calls JD :) )

* * *

I finished Bobby's throat culture when I found Dr Cullen by the front desk next to the nurses' muffin basket. There was no flaky golden bakery delight in his hand. 

"A little queasy there, huh, Whipped Cream Bear?" I teased, playfully slapping his shoulder.

"Heh… yeah… I'm really sorry about that. That usually doesn't happen. Must've slipped, heh," He played with his thumbs as he talked, looking in the direction of Bobby's room.

"I know something else that must've slipped!" exclaimed a familiar voice whose owner was crouching behind the reception desk.

"Not now, Todd," I frowned.

"Who's this, JD?" Carlisle tilted his head a little to the left.

"This is the Todd… He's one of our finest surgeons. He's a little y'know…"

"_The_ Todd?"

"The Todd."

"Hi, Dr. the Todd. I'm Dr Carlisle Cullen. I see you have a mood problem," Carlisle extended his hand, and the Todd surprisingly took it in his grasp.

"Me? Mood problem? Eh, I'm the Todd," He shrugged and walked away, hitting a female intern's behind as he strode.

"I know someone who can fix that…" Carlisle trailed off. (A/N: FORESHADOWING!!)

I convinced Carlisle to come back to Bobby's room. He finally agreed and we walked by there.

"Hey, Bobby! Sorry I had to run out before," Dr Cullen flashed a smile that showed off his brilliant white teeth.

Bobby shrugged and started reading a book that was lying on an end-table next to his bed.

Dr Cullen saw me leave, but I positioned myself close to the doorway so I could know how he interacted with patients by himself. I was also prone to a Cox Attack. Eh, I took my chance.

"Whatcha readin' there?" Carlisle pulled up a chair next to Bobby's bed. He handed him the book, "_A Midsummer Night's Dream_, eh? Are you an actor?"

Bobby cleared his throat and sat up straighter, "I kind of am. I do musical theatre during the winter, since I don't play a winter sport at my school. I gotta read this piece of crap (A/N: Sorry, Shakespeare fans, if any. I had to read this book last year and it was kind of weird… But I was Francis Flute ). I'm supposed to be in the local theatre's production of 'Kiss Me, Kate' next month." (A/N: 'Kiss Me, Kate' 'Taming of the Shrew'… Shakespeare kidnapped my brain. I just read that for school, too. If you see any 'Romeo & Juliet' references in the future, it's 'cause we're reading that now. )

Carlisle leaned back in his chair, "Ah… I remember Shakespeare. I saw a few of his plays once, after he was dead, down at the old Globe…" he seemed as though he said something he shouldn't have, "…Theatre."

Bobby was about to respond when I felt a hot hand on my shoulder. I whirled around.

"Dr Cox! This is only the first time you've actually talked to me today! I'm looking forward to talking to you!" I smiled, swishing my foot into the linoleum.

"Oh, quiet, Bella. I don't need any sweet talk from you today," scowled my tormented mentor, "Kelso told me to see how you were doing with that new Cullen guy."

_Bella, that's a new one…_ I thought. I smiled at Dr Cox saying that everything was fine and going great, he can stop to chat with me anytime he wanted to. He gave me the look that he has every time I say something like that I walked away from me down the hall.

My pager beeped. I needed to take Carlisle with me in case anyone else asked about him. When I came in to get him, he and Bobby were talking about the starting line-up of the Seattle Mariners.

"Ay, Dr C, we gotta go."

Carlisle waved good-bye to Bobby and said something else about baseball that I didn't understand.

"You like it around here, Carlisle?"

"Yes, you've got a great hospital here. I'm so glad to be on the staff," he said it like he really meant it, "Where are we going?"

"I don't really know. I just got a page—"

Standing there, holding a pager with Turk's name on it, was the Janitor.

"Janitor," I said dramatically.

"JD," he nodded, "Male version of Blond Doctor." He nodded at Carlisle.

"Blond Doctor?" Carlisle turned to me for an explanation.

"That's what he calls Elliot, remember her?" I whispered back. He gave me the thumbs-up.

Carlisle extended his hand, "Hello, sir, I'm Dr Carlisle Cullen. I came down here from Washington."

The Janitor scoffed at his friendly gesture, "Hello, male version of Blond Doctor."

Carlisle looked at me for help. I shook my head at shrugged.

"Why did you page me down here anyway?" I demanded.

"Eh, just wanted to annoy you, the usual," he tossed the pager back to Turk who was standing a few feet away trying not to laugh, and left to finish mopping elsewhere.

Carlisle and I ran over to Turk. I jokingly shoved him, "What the heck, Chocolate Bear? I was doing something very important!"

"Like what?"

"Uh… stuff."

"Oh. Of course," he laughed.

The Janitor raced down the hall holding his mop in the air in pursuit of a large rat.

"Sorry, guys, can you excuse me for a moment, I'll be right back," Carlisle jogged down the hall, following the Janitor and the rodent. Turk and I shrugged, and Carla threw a saltine at us.

Carlisle came back about ten minutes later. Turk and I were still in the same spot, finding a paper clip this time, since Laverne stole the saltine from us and grounded it into the tiled floor. He wiped some funny-smelling ketchup from his mouth.

"Hey, did I miss anything?" Carlidle grinned.

"We got a paper clip!" I announced proudly, "Hey you got some ketchup on your face. It kinda smells weird."

Carlisle's mouth opened and his eyes widened. He quickly got the ketchup off his teeth and his chin. He asked me to go help him find the bathroom.

I showed him the bathroom and he pulled me in with him. We stood in front of a sink.

Carlisle sighed heavily. He didn't look to good. I suggested he get some fresh air and he glared at me. He composed himself and sighed again. He held his hand with the funky ketchup on it up to my nose.

"What does that smell like to you, JD?" Carlisle asked calmly.

"Spoiled ketchup?" I asked,

He said no.

"Oh gosh… is it… blood?"

He sighed once more and nodded.

"Are you a… Dr. Acula?"

"What's a Doctor Acula?"

"A vampire doctor."

He nodded again. "You seem like a fellow I could trust. I had to tell someone. If you tell anyone…" he left that for me to interpret. He then reassured me, telling me he'll try not to hurt anyone and he has been doing this for a long time and his record was pretty clean.

My first thought was to scream and run away.

My second thought was that he should star in my screenplay.

* * *

A/N:I can't believe I wrote another chapter in less than a day! YAY! I like the ending of this, even though I know Carlisle would probably never admit that he was a vampire. For those of you who don't know about JD's screenplay "Dr Acula" look it up on YouTube or watch the episode "My Missed Perception". Please review! And I'll update sooner if you do! (Hee hee… that rhymes! I gotta go watch Will & Grace, byeeee!)

Oh, and if you don't get why Carlisle had blood on his face, he ate the rat that the Janitor was trying to get. He had a snacky.


	3. My Bloody Mary

A/N: I made the most random 'Twilight' connection today:

I was watching 'Family Guy'.

Yeah.

It was from the episode where Chris goes to an island for the Peace Corps and gets married because he was a freshman.

Stewie was in a musical called 'My Left Foot', which reminded me of the scene in 'The Producers' (not the disgusting movie musical, the actual play) during 'Springtime for Hitler' when

Stalin,

FDR,

and Winston Churchill

come out and have a tap dance-off with Hitler.

And I was semi-reading 'Eclipse'.

And I thought of Carlisle, who is British, which made me think of Winston Churchill.

I love Winston Churchill, he is the shiz.

That is the most random connection.

Ever.

Anyway, here's the chap!

FUN FACT: The ORIGINAL 1979 Broadway Cast of Sweeney Todd is the best. Better than the George Hearn one, waaaay better than the Michael Cerveris once, and EXTREMELY WAY WAY BETTER than the Johnny Depp one. Len Cariou pwns you all.

* * *

I laid a hand on Dr Cullen's shoulder, "How would you like to star in my screenplay?"

Evidently, that wasn't the reaction he was expecting. He stood there for a minute, letting what I had just said sink in.

"Uh…W-what's it ab-b-bout?" He stammered, coming to realization.

I should be the one stammering and coming to my senses.

"It's about a vampire doctor, kinda like yourself. I filmed a couple scenes already, but we can shoot them again and make you Dr Acula. That way, instead of me drinking fruit punch, it'll be you drinkin—"

"JD, stop! That is the most preposterous idea for a movie since 'Paint Your Wagon'!" he snapped.

"Maybe if I show you the script…" I offered.

Carlisle sighed, "Maybe some other time I'll look at it."

I felt as like it was time to leave the bathroom. I cocked my head towards the door and we both walked out together.

"What time is it?" I asked.

Carlisle glanced at his watch, "Almost 6:30. When's your shift over?"

"Ten minutes ago."

He shrugged and I went back to Bobby's room. He asked to go find Dr Cox to see when he could work with patients on his own.

* * *

I didn't see him again until 10:00, when Carla, Elliot, Turk, and I were going to go to the bar. I was in dire need of an appletini. Elliot was the first to react to his presence.

"Hiiii Dr Cullen," she grinned.

"Hello, Dr Reid," he nodded.

"Call me Elliot. Please," She flicked her hair behind her.

"Carlisle," he smiled that brilliant smile again.

Elliot stood there dumbfounded for a few minutes. Carla was in a state of shock, too. But she came out of it before Elliot did.

"Would you like to go get some drinks with us?" she inquired, giggling.

He looked at me. I was giggling, too.

Carlisle looked at his watch again and shrugged. "Sure, but not for a long. It's going to be a long day tomorrow."

Elliot squealed and clapped her hands together, and she, Carla, followed by a loyal-for-once Turk, ran to the cars in such a way that I have never seen before.

Carlisle looked at me, eyebrows raised. I could only muster a shrug back. We both laughed and he slapped me on the back in a friend-like way as we headed towards the parking lot.

* * *

Elliot and Carla were waiting in front of the bar. I had just walked up to them, watching Carlisle find a place to park.

"Look at his car!" shrieked Elliot, pointing to the shiny black Mercedes cruising wonderfully across the asphalt.

"Just as lovely as he is…" sighed Carla.

"Baby!" Turk and I accused in unison. He had poked his head out of the door at that moment anyway, since he had to ask Carla for a few dollars so he could buy a drink. I high-fived my Chocolate Bear, and he decided to wait for the new doctor, too.

A few minutes later, Carlisle finally parked and was striding towards the entrance where we stood.

"Sorry to make you wait, guys. You really didn't need to," he said politely. He smiled at Elliot, making her grab her sides and mumble something about feeling queasy. He winked at me, so I knew that he as just trying to work her up.

"I think he's hitting on me!" she stage-whispered to Carla accidentally being a little too loud. Carlisle burst into laughter, which brought Elliot's hyperness level down a notch.

"Let's just go inside," Turk said pointedly.

We all sat at the bar and got our usual post-work beverages. Carlisle, of course, had nothing.

"Hey, Car-Car, are you okay?" Elliot said flirtatiously, irritating Dr Cullen.

"'Car-Car'?" his eyes narrowed, "Never, ever, _ever_ again."

"But Car-Ca—"

"NO!" he shouted, but not too loud so people would look at us. Elliot slumped in her barstool, her feelings were heart. Carlisle could tell. He put his arm around her shoulder, "Sorry, Elliot. You all right?"

"Yeah… sure ya don't want a drink?" she asked, sniffling.

"How about a Bloody Mary?!" I blurted loudly. In return, I got an extra special Carlisle death stare.

"Jay… Dee…" he started panting.

"Sorry! Sorry! Slipped," I put my hand over my mouth.

"You like Bloody Marys, Dr Cullen? I'll be glad to get you one," Carla said, raising her hand to get the bartender's attention.

Carlisle glared at me again, "No, Carla, please don't. I'm not in the mood for one right now." He glared at me again. I attempted a smile.

Elliot rubbed his hand to comfort him, and she suddenly moved hers away, "Eep! Carlisle, are you okay? You feel awfully cold."

He sighed and stared at the ceiling, shrugging. He looked at Elliot and said in a matter-of-fact tone, "Yes, I'm fine. I had an… accident some years ago and my usual temperature is very cold."

"What sort of accident?" inquired Carla, trying at the same time to get close with Carlisle and to start a conversation.

"I'd… rather not talk about it," he glanced at me.

We were silent for a few minutes, but Elliot could always be counted on to break the tension. She fully turned towards Carlisle and looked him straight in the eye:

"Are you busy Saturday night?"

Carla, Turk, and I all fell silent and waited for Carlisle's response. He was quiet for a minute and he answered, "Dr Reid—Elliot… I am a happily married man with five wonderful children. So, yes, I am busy Saturday night."

Elliot thought he was kidding, "Ha, ha. Yeah. Okay. But, seriously. Saturday night. You. Me. Cute little Italian restaurant. Maybe a romantic comedy down at the cinema?"

"Dr Reid I am absolutely serious! I—" Carlisle's cell phone was laying on the counter when it lit up and began playing "Ode to Joy". He reached for it as Elliot held the device up to her face.

"Who is… Eeeessmmii?" she asked, trying to read the unfamiliar name. She giggled and opened the phone, "Hello, Eesmi?"

Carlisle angrily snatched the phone from Elliot. His eyes were like flashing daggers, "That's Ez-may. E-S-M-E. And she is my wife." He strode away and I could barely hear him say, "Sorry, darling. Esme. That was some girl from work. She…"

"Oh, shiz, girl! You's a-in trouble!" Turk and I said simultaneously, even snapping our fingers in a 'Z' formation at the same time.

Elliot bit at one of her nails nervously and took a sip of her drink, "Shit."

* * *

A/N: Oh snap! What will happen!?!? Looking for a co-author, by the way! Please message me if you are interested! Next chap comin' soon! While you're waiting, check out my other Carlisle-tastic fic: Carleeny Todd: The Demon Doctor of Fleet Street!

Peace. Love. Save the whales.


	4. My Friend's Family

A/N: MelodicLilacs is my co-author! Huzzah! She's amazing.

Switches POVs a lot in this chap, so beware! –le gasp!-

(People who find a parody of a line from '42nd Street' get cookies and shout-outs and a special surprise! Yeah… sorry… that play will be taking over my life for the next two weeks –shrugs-)

* * *

**CARLISLE'S POV**

I left the bar around eleven. Esme did not seem the happiest with me as I entered the threshold to our home. She was seated on the sofa, her arms folded and tapping her foot.

"Carlisle," she frowned.

"Esme, darling!" I smiled, coming over to greet her. I sat beside her.

"Carlisle, please," she muttered as she pushed me away.

"What's wrong, love?" I asked, concerned.

"Who is Elliot?"

"She's no one, really. A girl at work who has a crush on me, like the other nurses back in Forks, she—"

Esme placed a finger on my mouth, "Shh."

"What?" I demanded, "You were so upset five seconds ago that—"

She interrupted my sentence by kissing me.

* * *

**JD'S POV**

I had just arrived at work and was about to have my daily morning chat with Laverne when a gorgeous woman and what seemed to be her two kids made a subtle entrance into the hospital. She ignored me and spoke to Laverne.

"Where can I find a Dr Carlisle Cullen, please?" she asked sweetly.

Laverne pointed to a hallway nonchalantly, and the woman and her two kids began to go in the direction. I stopped her before she could get too far.

"Hi, ma'am, I'm Dr John Dorian… JD. I think I can help you locate Dr Cullen."

"Hello, Dr Dorian," she smiled, "Yes that would be of great assistance, thank you. I am Dr. Cullen's wife, Esme. These are my children Jasper and Rosalie. Thanks again for helping us."

"Anytime, Mrs Cullen… Anytime," I nodded.

"Thank you, Dr Dorian," smiled Rosalie.

Shiz… she was so lovely!

I pictured her and me at my place… she was wearing a little—

"Dr Dorian?" Mrs Cullen's question interrupted my reverie.

"Yeah… Sorry," I said to her while staring at Rosalie, "Right this way…"

The three of them followed me down the hall when the Todd slapped Rosalie's behind.

"Hey, mister, get your hands off my sister!" snapped Jasper.

"LAWL! THAT RHYMES!" exclaimed Dr Kelso, who was standing not too far away.

"Damn… she is fine…" Todd muttered while examining Rosalie. He was probably mentally undressing her.

"My father told me about you. You're the Todd, right?"

"Yup. Say, kid, you're not so bad yourself," Todd smirked at Jasper.

Jasper gasped.

The Todd motioned for him to come to his general direction, and I could see the two of them walking away towards the back of the hospital.

Esme and Rosalie stood there stunned for a few seconds. Rosalie looked uncomfortable and was staring off into space.

"Uh… Mom… Can I go to the… uh, the, uh… bathroom?" she asked, unsure if she was saying the right thing.

"Sure, dear. Do you need to Dr Dorian to show you where it is?" replied Mrs Cullen.

Rosalie quickly shook her head and ran off.

"Shall we?" I offered.

"Shall we what?" she asked, taken aback.

"Find your husband," I said matter-of-factly.

"Oh…" she nodded and smiled, letting me lead the way to Carlisle's office.

* * *

**JANITOR'S POV**

Like always, I was lounging while I was supposed to be working, thinking of new ways to bring down JD's spirit and slacking off on other duties. You know the usual. Then, suddenly, as if coming from an abyss, I saw the most magnificent sight in the world that I thought couldn't possibly even exist:

An even _hotter_ Blonde Doctor.

At first, I wondered if this was just another hallucination that had come to plague me (like they usually tend to do), but then I realized that this was too good of a thing. The second thing I noticed was that she did not seem like the happiest person at the moment.

Slumped against the wall, the beautiful creature was staring absently into space, deep in thought. I could see her in the deserted hallway from where an empty patient's old room which had recently been vacated. Trying to put on my most casual facade, I gathered my mostly unused cleaning supplies and rolled the heavy carrier out of the room, trying my best to look shocked at the woman standing there.

"What's eating you?" I asked bluntly, then mentally berating myself for my idiocy. It wasn't my fault he didn't have much knowledge or women! And yet…

Just ask Blonde Doctor about that one time I asked her out for coffee and completely made a fool of myself. But that was the past, and this… goddess… was the present.

The woman sighed, crossing her arms.

"Nothing you would care about," she said curtly, narrowing her eyes at the wall, focusing on a small crack in the paint.

"Try me," I shot back, leaning against the handle of the heavy water mop and other utensil-carrying contraptions I still didn't know the exact names for. She glanced at me and sighed.

"Fine," she said. An evil smile curled up her perfectly formed lips, "I'm thinking of the most evil way to turn down this doctor."

"Which one?" I asked, wondering if this girl was a misplaced angel. It was just too darn good to be true.

"I don't know his name," she said, a smirk found its way on her glossed lips and an evil glint in her topaz eyes. "He's really girly, though, and has a lot of gel in his hair. Real whiney-like, y'know."

No. Way.

"JD… Dr Dorian?" I asked. Something seemed to click with the girl.

"Yeah," she said slowly, "I think that was his name. You know him?"

"_Know_ him?" I said, stunned. It was good to have a common enemy with a girl you have a huge crush on, "My purpose in life is to torture him. It's the only thing I have to do in this dump."

The blonde goddess stared at me for a moment, probably making the connection that I'm a janitor and just referred to the hospital as a dump while complaining I have nothing to do.

"Mr. Janitor," she said finally, "I think we may have something here," she finally said, the grin growing on her face, "Rosalie Hale," she said, sticking out her hand. I grabbed it, shaking with vigor.

"I go by Janitor," I grinned, smiling at this good fortune. This was gonna be fun…

I escorted her into the vacant room and we shared our thoughts on Dr Dorian, thinking of a plan most sneaky.

* * *

**JASPER'S POV**

The doctor known as the Todd had led me to the back of the hospital. Where we were was outside, though, and we parked ourselves on a conveniently placed bench. We exchanged names and pleasantries when he finally cut to the point.

"What has your dad told you about me?" he inquired, folding his arms nonchalantly.

"That you are an incredible pervert who is in dire need of an attitude adjustment," I retorted precisely.

"Mhm… Well, kid, he's not wrong…"

"WHAT?" I sat up straight, "Should I feel safe with you right now?"

Wow… that's a stupid question to ask at a time like this.

"Yeah, Jasper, I don't really go for boys as much as I do the chicks."

"Don't… _really_ go for?" I tilted my head to the left, catching a delicious scent of a passing nurse.

"Ya like that girl? Eh, she's not too bad. I'd give her 8 out of 10," the Todd reasoned.

"Is that what you doctors do? Sit around out here and rate women?" I snapped.

"Um… yeah, sometimes," he shrugged.

"Ick," I grimaced, then pointed to a girl in the distance, "She's, like, a 4."

"Good job, Jasper! Learning five!" the Todd help up his hand.

"Learning… five?" I pondered aloud.

He slapped his other hand to his forehead, "Oh, wow, me boy-o… You have got a _lot_ to learn…"

"I still don't get it."

'Okay… So… Whenever you do something I approve of, pretty much, you get an extra special appropriately-named high-five from yours truly. For example, you just correctly rated that chick over there. Thus, you have learned how to rate girls accordingly. Your reward is a high-five from the Todd."

"Um… kay…" I high-fived him and he gave me a huge grin.

A flock of nurses scampered by, laughing and talking. That scent was way too much to handle. I looked after the flock longingly, sighing, "It's like a museum; look, but don't touch…"

"No, not always… Sometimes you can get one of them in a remote corner and—"

Obviously, as I had expected, he did not know what I meant. Either way, what he was saying was disgusting, "EW! Todd! How could you do such a thing?!"

He smiled, "As I said, Jasper, you got a hella lot to learn. But don't you fret now… Master Todd will teach you all."

I held my head in my hands, setting my elbows on my knees. _Master Todd… Oh my…_


	5. My Grasshopper

**A/N:** Well, it's that time again! That is, time to bring out my _RMS Titanic _shirt and listen to all of the John Wilkes Booth songs on my iPod all day! HAPPY TITANIC SINKING 96 YEARS AGO AND LINCOLN ASSASSINATION DAY!

–party blowers and streamers-

Anywaaay… I'd just like to say how much of an amazing person/author my dear co-author **MelodicLilacs **is. –claps- W00T! PWNAGE!

* * *

**JASPER'S POV**

The next thing I remember was Todd and I being in the hospital. We were both sitting on one of the counters where the nurses work. Both of us were swinging our legs in unison, which I found myself to be doing very uncharacteristically. Todd was saying something to some Latina nurse about some guy named… Turk?

That's a weird name.

After the nurse walked away, I tapped Todd's shoulder. "Who's that? Are we supposed to rate her?"

Todd laughed boisterously, probably to get attention from nearby nurses, "NO! Lawl, she's my best friend's wife! Rule Numero Un, grasshopper; 'Don't hit on your best friend's wife.' That only applies sometimes, though…" he trailed off, staring into space.

I sighed, still swinging my legs. How long could these lessons be?

* * *

**ESME'S POV**

The nice young Dr Dorian led me to Carlisle's office. I kept think he was trying to make me—what do they call it today?—"hook up" with him. I told him this once, and he kept claiming that he was not interested. Sure…

"Here's Dr Cullen's office, ma'am. Lemme know if you have any problems," JD smiled, opening the door for me.

"Thanks," I nodded. He shut the door behind me.

Carlisle had his feet propped up on his desk and reading the Sports section from the newspaper. I knocked on the wall. He didn't budge.

"CARLISLE!" I yelled, placing my hand on the top of the paper and trying to yank it away from him. He put out his hands, opening and closing them, and whimpered. That was weird.

"HEY! Quick, what place are the Mariners in?"

I scanned the unfamiliar page, "Um… they're third in the West division." I looked at him. His lip was wobbling and he appeared that, if he could cry, he would be bawling right now.

"Well, what can you expect from a 6-6 team…?" he sighed softly.

I stood there in silence for a few minutes, waiting for him to recover.

"OH! Hi, Esme!" he smiled. Apparently, he didn't even notice I was here.

I folded my arms across my torso and tapped my foot on the floor. "Hello, dear."

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be baking muffins for the PTA?"

Crap, I should be! Way to remind me, Edward… "My muffins are none of your business!" I snapped. "I want to talk to you about this 'Elliot'."

"Elliot is _no-one._" Carlisle sighed again. "...does seem to like me a lot, though."

"Sure… Just _happened _to answer your phone last night..." That oughta get him.

"My phone was sitting on the counter. Really. And it was ringing. And she was next to me—"

WHAT? "_She_? Elliot's a _girl_?" I said, shocked.

"Yes… I told you that last night. I remember. I said something like 'A girl at work who has a crush on me…' A _girl_. Obviously you weren't listening."

I was speechless.

"Did you think I magically turned gay or something? Wow… did I just say that?" Carlisle put his hand to his mouth.

"Well…" I managed, "That takes a load off my mind… But now you're cheating on me with—"

"ESME! I'M NOT CHEATING ON YOU! How many times do I have to say that?! I love you! You're my wife," he shouted. I've never seen him like this before. Could he be hiding something? Probably not, but…

"Love, are you being honest?"

He made a blank face at me. I took that as a 'yes.'

"But I think I do need to tell you something else…" he motioned for me to sit at one of the chairs in front of his desk.

* * *

**ROSALIE POV**

That Janitor guy was pretty cool. He seemed pretty interested in me, after all. I decided to play along.

"So, where're you from?" the janitor asked me. We were sitting on the railing outside Sacred Heart's back entrance where they brought the ambulances through and the doctors arrived.

"Washington," I answered smoothly, ducking my head and looking up at him through my lashes as I swung my long legs lightly. He looked away, a light blush on his cheeks.

Score one.

I swung my hair behind my shoulder with my red-painted nails (I'd redone them at the latest sleepover; Bella's are green and Alice's are blue), looking away towards the parking lot. "It's so... small," I said. "Everyone knows everyone. News gets around fast. My family's the only really big one."

"That's... cool," Janitor said, sounding a little unsure. I laughed softly.

"I need to, uh, go clean something," he said in a rush, swinging his legs over the railing and jumping down. I watched him go from over my shoulder. "Talk to you later."

"Bye-bye," I giggled softly, and he rushed back into the hospital.

Score two.

Wait, what about the plan?!

The plan to get that annoying JD guy?!

"WAIT!" I hollered, running after him.

I cornered him just past the patients' waiting room of the hospital by a conveniently placed janitor's closet. I put a hand on his collar, "What're we gonna do about JD?"

"Uh… uh… I dunno," he said as if in a trance.

"Mr. Janitor, I know you wanna get that doctor…"

"Yuh-huh…"

"So here's what I was thinking…" I whispered, yanking him into the janitor's closet with me. Lemme just tell you, our idea had something to do with a smexy kitty suit and a stolen vehicle from the OHS Varsity Hover Car Team.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry, I'm trying to stay away from putting author's notes at the end of stories, but I had to. First, I'm listening to "The Ballad of Booth" from the _Assassins _Original Off-Broadway Cast. Second, the varsity hover car team is an inside joke/idea of me and my friend Clair (aka FDR). So, I had to put that in for her. :) Yay and cookies.


	6. My Bountiful Analogies

**A/N: So… I've decided to bold and italicize these now… 'cause its fun.  
****My birfday is in 10 days!! Get me a present, preferably Carlisle Cullen. :)  
****T****hanks again to MELODICLILACS! for being my co-author (I do not like the term 'beta', its not my jam. Désolé. **

**_--Field hockey clinics are starting soon, so I won't be able to update as often.--_**

**One more thing:  
****My bio class is going to the Cleveland Clinic tomorrow, and the only reason I'm going is 'cause of Carlisle.  
****Hellz yeahz!!**

_DISCLAIMER: Don't own Twilight, To Kill a Mockingbird, Interview with the Vampire, Les Mis, Scrubs, Juno, Ro-Ro and Julio, RENT, or anything else, really. Except… well, I'll save that for another chapter…_

* * *

**CARLISLE****'S POV**

"So… what do you want me to know?" Esme sighed, seating herself.

"Yeah… remember that Dr Dorian kid who showed you in here?" I started.

"Yes…"

"He knows about us," I muttered uneasily.

"What's that, dear?" Esme leaned over.

"He knows about us," I said a little louder, casting my glance downwards.

"WHAT?! CARLISLE CULLEN, WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?" Esme screeched, sharply standing up and slamming her fists on my desk.

"I really couldn't get out of it. Just one of tho—"

"Ya think you'd be smarter after all these years! Cheezus!" She held her hands up in the air.

"'Cheezus, Esme? Really."

"Emmett said it the other day. It made me giggle! BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT!" She thrust a white finger in my direction.

"He's fine with it, really. He hasn't told anyone. And I'll make sure he doesn't…"

"You better."

Esme finally sat down again, and crossed over to her.

"You still love me, right?" I smiled hopefully.

She sighed, "Of course, Carlisle. I'll always be the Phoebe to your Holden."

"And I'll always be the Jem to your Scout."

"The Cosette to your Marius," she whispered, putting her head on my shoulder.

"The Louis to your Claudia."

"…the Juliet to your Romeo," Esme sighed again.

I frowned, shoving her head off me, "Okay. Now you're done."

"What? That was like—"

"So incredible clichéd? I know. Couldn't you tell I was trying to veer away from that?! 'Cheezus!'"

"Ohhhh, so now you can say it! I see how it is…" Esme folded her arms across her torso.

"Calm down!" I rolled my eyes and stood up. "I have rounds to do anyway."

"Can I come?" Esme jumped up and down and clapped her hands like a 4-year-old.

"Sure…?" I arched my eyebrow, which she didn't notice, and she followed me out of my office.

* * *

**JASPER****'S POV**

"Y'know, Todd, I really should be finding my dad right now. Can we continue the lessons another time?" I attempted to be polite.

"Looks like someone needs a Collins to their Angel…" The Todd smiled.

"Todd, please… Can we start again tomorrow?"

"Oh, fine, grasshopper. C'mon." The Todd jumped off the counter and motioned for me to come with him.

I slid off the counter after him. "Where are we going?"

"To find your dad. Like you said."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa… Are you actually listening to me?" I asked, surprised.

"Yeah… why? Is something wrong?"

"No… I wasn't expecting it, that's all."

The Todd laughed, "Not all of us can see the future, Jasper."

I sighed. "If only you knew…"

He led me down the myriad of corridors to see where Carlisle was.

* * *

**ESME****'S POV (…again)**

"Hey, Bobby. How're ya feelin' today?" Carlisle asked, glancing at his chart.

"Dandy as a Jim," he smiled and nodded towards me. "Who's that chick?" he winked.

I looked at my husband with the _uh… creeper? _look.

"My wife, Esme."

"'Sup…"

"Hi…" I said unsurely, looking at Carlisle for help.

He told Bobby that he needed to take such-a-such pill at such-a-such time and needed a shot for whatever. I had no idea what he was talking about, but it turned me on…

"Ooo, look at the doctor…" I breathed in his ear.

He shrugged me off. "Not now," Carlisle whispered back.

I frowned, but not seriously.

"See you in about two hours, kid." He smiled, and gave him the Sports section from today's paper, saying, "The Mariners aren't doin' that great."

Carlisle had just shut the door behind when this blonde doctor ran up to him.

"Hey, Carlisle! Can you help me with this patient I have?" she grinned.

He was about to protest when she interrupted him, "Good! Y'see…"

"Elliot, now is not the time.

_Elliot?!_

"So _you're_ the infamous Elliot, huh?" I said.

"Yeah. Who are you?" she asked eagerly. What a ditz.

"Eesmi," I glared.

"Frick…" she said quietly.

"Esme, don't," Carlisle sternly put his hand on my shoulder.

"You're the little slut who tried to steal my husband, hm?"

"Huh?" she cocked her head to the left.

"Esme!" Carlisle yelled. I ignored him.

"You little…" I took a step forward.

"…the Dimitri to your Anastasia! The Bleaker to your Juno!" he said at a tone that only I could hear.

I couldn't take it anymore. I believed Carlisle when he told me he loved me more than anything, but I had a feeling that Elliot did not want that to be so. I lost control.

I punched her face.

She screamed, and stumbling, almost falling on to the floor.

I turned around to face Carlisle, "Well, now I can be the Jiang Qiang to your Chairman Mao."

"That was a terrible analogy," he gave me a look that I had never seen on him before. He sharply turned away from me and walked in the other direction.

It seemed like the whole hospital staff was gathered around Elliot and I was left alone. Not even Carlisle on my side. If I could cry, I would be bawling. I saw JD look at me and shake his head. He went in the same direction Carlisle did. I could hear a fierce meow from where he was. Not bothering to see what it was, I walked to the ladies' room and sat on the counter by a sink, just wanting to be alone.

* * *

**JANITOR POV**

"You look mighty fine in that cat suit, Rosalie," I mumbled.

"Thanks, Janitor," she smiled, and tossed her golden mane over her shoulder. "Do you see JD yet?"

"Yep… just comin' 'round the corner…" I peered down the hall.

She gave a practice MEOW! and waited for him. I reminded her again that I had the hover car parked outside.

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**:O !**


	7. My Jellicle Song

A/N: Hola burritos! So, due to my newfound dislike of Twilight, I have not been updating or posting any new stories on the subject. I've somehow regenerated my rabid-fangirl obsession with Les Misérables. I love Les Mis. Forever. It's the thing that made me come to this site in the first place, and I've started to love it as I once day nigh on five years ago. :D  
Vive Enjolras! (less-than-sign three)

But, I'm not abandoning this fic, 'cause I really hate when authors do that… But Breaking Dawn and the movie have really made me mad at Twilight and everything associated with it… But I still like Scrubs and I still wear my Team Carlisle/Breaking Dawn shirt to bed every night… just giving you an update. I AM NOT GOING TO ABANDON "MY DR ACULA", I PROMISE!  
Any questions or concerns? I also promise that if you message me, I will promptly message you back.

And, as I started this before that sorry excuse for a novel called Breaking Dawn, Bella is still a human and her and Eddiekinz are not engaged yet. You'll see why later… :D

Disclaimer: You can figure it out, you're smart.

* * *

**ESME POV**

I swung my legs against the backing of the sink in the Ladies' Room. The faucet next to me kept dripping and I couldn't make it stop. I decided to go find a janitor.

I was about to get up when the door flung open and a nurse came inside. I was crying on the inside from what had happened earlier, and she could tell.

"Hi," she smiled.

"Hello," I answered, keeping my head down.

"That was some scuffle back there. Way to go, someone else needed to try to knock some sense into that little girl from Connecticut."

"Of course," I laughed, "You saw it?"

"Um… duh! Just about everyone did!" she laughed also.

Lovely.

"Oh, right. What did you say your name was?" I asked.

"Oh, sorry! I'm Carla Espinosa… Turk…leton. You?"

"Esme Cullen."

"Esme… that's a new one. Well, wanna go grab a coffee or something?" Carla smiled.

"Uh… sure!" I returned her smile and the two of us left the bathroom together.

This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

* * *

**JASPER POV**

"Do you really know where Carlisle is or are you just leading me down random halls so you can spend more time with me?" I asked, glaring at the pervy man in green scrubs next to me.

"Uh… well… Would you be mad at me if I said it was a little mixture of both? And by a little mixture I mean mostly the second choice you said…" The Todd grinned.

_Facepalm._

A few minutes later, the sight of Carlisle leaning on a counter outside the nurses' station greeted me.

"I told you I know where he is!" Todd grinned even wider.

"You just randomly walked into him, I bet," I sighed.

Todd was about to respond, but then he just lowered his head and walked away.

"What happened, Carlisle?" I asked.

"Um… do we really have to talk about it?" he said, pained.

"Well, I'm not Edward Creeperface, so you're going to have to tell me."

"Jazz, it's— ah, never mind, you're right."

And then he explained to me how Esme lost her cool.

"She _never_ does that! Well, there was that one time in 19—" I started.

"Doctor… Cullen?" wearily asked a blonde doctor who had just gotten up from what appeared to be sleeping on the hospital floor.

"Elliot? Are you okay?" asked Carlisle.

"Meh… I guess so. Can you ask JD or someone to cover the rest of my shift? I think I'm going home…" she dusted off her white coat and waited until Carlisle nodded to leave.

"Ooooh, Carlisle as a crushy-kins!" giggled Todd, who decided to come out of the abyss.

"No! Seriously, why does everyone think that?!? GAH!!" Carlisle grabbed a few patient files and stormed off in a huff.

"Dude, was that really necessary?!" I frowned at the Todd.

"Um… yes?"

"SCORAGE MAYJUHRZ!" I yelled, proposing a high-five to the Todd.

"DUDE, I LOVE YOU!!" Todd yelled back.

I quickly lowered my hand, "Um… kay?"

"LOVEZ YA FIVE!!"

And then I high-fived him.

Alice is just going to lurve this…

_L__e sigh_.

* * *

**JANITOR'S POV**

Rosalie was in her cat suit. The hover car was full of gas. And, to top it off, I spotted JD nonchalantly walking down the hall. Perfect.

I nudged Rose to leap out at him.

"MEOW!" she screeched.

Hospital traffic stopped, and those heart-y-track-y-boop-y machines were going, like, a mile a minute.

"Buh… hi?" JD said as he was about to go into one of his daydreams.

I could see it now… I bet he was that he was dreaming that they were um… what were their names… oh, yeah! I bet he was Mungojerrie and she was Rumpleteazer from "Cats" and they were dancing around his room or something in cat attire.

JD danced a little bit, and, with perfect jazz hands, sang, "And there's nothing at all to be done about that!"

Yep, I was right. Why am I so good at these things? I should get a sticker. Like, seriously.

Just then, Rose seemed to let down her guard a bit, "OHMIGAWD I LOVE 'CATS'!"

JD opened his mouth quite widely and gasped, "LAWLZ! ME TOO!"

"WE SHOULD GO SEE IT!"

"OMFGBBQ HELLZ YEAH!"

"I'M GOING TO GO FIND TICKETS NOW ONLINE, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. GIMME YOUR NUMBER!" Rosalie held out her cell phone to him and he quickly typed in his number. She then did the same for him on his phone.

"I'LL CALL YOU, JD!"

"MMKAY, ROSE! THANKS SO MUCH!"

Rosalie then left the hospital, completely neglecting to change out of her cat costume, might I add, and whistling what I thought was "Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats. God, I hate that song.

Outside, I could hear the hover car run out of gas as it crashed to the asphalt of the parking lot.

Great.

* * *

**EMMETT POV**

Alice, Edward, Bella, and I thought it was going to be a normal Thursday afternoon. But… no.

"Rosie-poo! I'm home!" I cried into the vacant house.

"Rawrz, Bella-tron hungryz!" Bella squealed as she attempted to ear Edward's sleeve.

"Bella, you're silly," the aforementioned Edward patted his pet human/robot-tron on the head.

"Hold up, guys! I have a vision!" Alice said as she stretched out her arms.

"What is it, Al-Gal?" I asked.

She looked at me snarkily, "Wait… I lied."

A chorus of _aw, man _s echoed throughout the house.

"Or am I?" Alice grinned sneakily. Kinda like Rene Auberjonois when he rapes little boys--I mean what?

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED/I HAVE TO GO WATCH 'PUSHING DAISIES' NOW, SO PLEASE REVIEW AND I'LL UPDATE VERY SOON SINCE WINTER BREAK IS IN ONE WEEK! :D**

**While you're waiting, why don't you go check out my hilarious new Les Mis fic, "Ep Qui Qui at Le Cafe Musain"? You don't really have to understand Les Mis in its glorious entirety to get it, and it's a parody of "Bon Qui Qui"! Now, who could resist that, hm?**


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